How to accept a gay teen
The story of coming out of the closet differs from each homosexual. Some have tales of parents who did not care, some had stories of parents who might have already known and then there are some tragic accounts of parents being so un-accepting that they have kicked their child out of the house.
Despite the tremendous steps in social equality for the GLBTQ community, it is still a very rough time for those still in the closet to find the courage to become honest with themselves and their loved ones. With the passing of Proposition 8 and the banning of gay marriage in three other states, it is not difficult to see why children and parents alike are afraid of what might happen.
“Homosexual children, even closeted ones, have numerous sources and friends they can talk to about how to come out to their parents,” said Branden Berkey director for the Center on Halsted;s Sexual Orientation and Gender Institute. “Parents on the other hand are much less prone to seek out how to react to the news that their child is gay. Naturally they might react in fear or hatred resulting in the child becoming ashamed of who they are. Parents need to know how to react or at least what to do when and if this happens.”
Chances are the child knows how to talk to their parents about being gay. Chances are their friends are already in the know and have given them advice. But the parent is most likely out of the circle, unaware of what is coming—so how should a parent react and how should they deal with the knowledge that their child is part of the GLBTQ community?
Let them come to you
According to Berkey, parents who confronted their child about the possibility of being gay resulted in a much harsher environment than the parent most likely intended. The son or daughter was most likely unprepared to come out to the parent and immediately they would go on the defensive, denying who they are which would in the end creates more psychological turmoil than intended. In this case, the parent does not know what is best for the kid, only the son or daughter knows when they are ready, don’t force it.
Remain calm after the son or daughter comes out of the closet to you
Steve Ralls of Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) says that the only way to avoid conflict and further possible pain on both sides is for the parent to remain calm. “Step into your child’s shoes. He or she is telling you a secret that will alter their future for good. Technically there is nothing you can do to alter their orientation and the world is already against our community. Why make them feel worse? They are most likely in a state of confusion and they are telling you because your son or daughter love you and need your guidance at this time. Don’t take that away from them.”
Remember who they are
Berkey says that the biggest mistake parents can make during the coming out period is forgetting that it is still their teenager they are talking to. Being gay or lesbian does not define who they are despite society’s view on the GLBTQ community just like being heterosexual does not define who you are and what you do in your life.
If you accept them, let them know you still love them and want to support them.
Many parents immediately accept the fact that their child is gay or lesbian. In that case, the parent should immediately inform the son or daughter that they still love them regardless of sexual orientation. This above all with make the child feel accepted and will give them the ability to cope with the outside world, said Ralls. Once you and the teenager have talked about the implication of being homosexual, there are going to be questions that neither the child nor adult will know how to answer. In that case it is time to seek information from outside sources such as organizations similar to PFLAG or PFLAG itself. There is vast information there that makes the transition from being closeted to being open a lot smoother.
If you do not accept your child, remain calm and explain the situation and other options.
“I hate when it happens but it does happen. The parent does not accept the sexual orientation of their son or daughter and they overreact,” Berkey said. “When that happens walls go up on both sides and nothing is going to get accomplished. In the case of the parent, we tell them that they should inform their child that despite their un-accepting of the lifestyle, they still love them and will seek out information regarding the lifestyle choice. It is the best way to avoid the conflicts that can result in the child hating the parent.
It takes a lot of courage and strength to come out of the closet to one’s parents. The fear of rejection and being hated can prevent a closeted teen from accepting themselves and from telling those who need to know. The Center on Halsted hopes that through information and understanding, all parents will be accepting of their child’s choice.
